Tuesday, June 19, 2007

A Conversation and a Story

Dear blog reader, we have been having an ongoing conversation today, you and I. It goes something like this:

You: Hey, Zany Mama.

Me: Hmm?

You: Why don’t you give us an update?

Me: You can call me Tuesday, you know.

You: Indeed, it is Tuesday. Anyway, why don’t you give us an update?

Me: An update on what?

You: Don’t be deliberately obtuse, lady. You haven’t mentioned Keith Richards for approximately 3.5 posts now. That’s shady. What’s up?

Me: Oh Keith Richards! (hits forehead dramatically)

You: So…

Me: Okay, I’ll tell you a story, but don’t interrupt me…

There once was a beautiful young maiden who developed a terrible pain in her belly after eating prime rib for 4 days straight. Everyone in the kingdom thought it would pass once she resumed her normal repast of steamed chicken and vegetables (ha!), but, alas, it didn’t get better.

The beautiful lady’s discomfort caused much pain and strife in her kingdom. It caused famine and widespread ill-humor. Thin broth and melba toast filled the damsel’s days, and grey clouds hovered over her castle.

With near-legendary patience, the gentlewoman went through many, many medical tests until it was discovered that in her lithe mid-section there was a heinous liver tumor. A big, fire-breathing, dragon-like liver tumor.

Upon the advice of her friends, she named the tumor Keith Richards.

Once it was determined what caused her malady, the doctors told the lady that she must co-exist with Keith Richards for several months in an effort to make him shrink.

You know those Keith Richard types, the doctors said, if you simply do not feed them drugs (or birth control pills) and you limit their adult activities (leading to pregnancy), eventually they will get bored and flee your delicate system.

Although our heroine wasn’t sure about the “wait it out and it will shrink method”, she dutifully followed her doctor’s orders for several months. And finally, this week she took her carriage to the doctor’s office to hear the results of the barbaric MRI she’d been subjected to the week before.

While there, the doctor gave her grave news indeed: the tumor was not shrinking. It was the exact same size as it had been before.

The pain was better, to be sure. But Keith Richards was still living the high life in her gut.

You: So are they gonna take it out?

Me: I believe I was clear that I am not tolerating interruptions. One more and Keith and I are leaving.

Ahem…so the lovely maiden was quite disheartened – especially when the doctor said that she could expect to have this tumor FOREVER and that there wasn’t much else to do at this point.

You: But wait. You aren’t supposed to get pregnant or be on birth control with this tumor, right? What are you supposed to do?

Me: Second warning, Chatty Cathy – that’s the last time you get to interrupt. This is painful enough without your completely relevant and reasonable questions.

You: But…

Me: Oh cripes, you’re ruining the story. Fine. We’ll skip to the ending.

So the maiden was referred to her "lady parts" doctor for further evaluation and treatment. The end.

You: But that kind of sucks doesn’t it? You just have to live with a liver tumor which may or may not flare up at any time?

Me: Yeah. But the “kind of good” news is that it appears that the tumor is not affected by hormones. So hopefully, I’ll be able to, you know, resume normal operations around here. But I’m sticking to my guns here…I said one more interruption, and I was leaving.

You: But I didn’t interrupt you. You said, The End. You were done - there was no interruption.

Me: Whatever. Good day, sir. I said, Good day!

(Harumphs out of the room with a hand on her upper right quadrant crooning softly to Keith Richards.)

15 comments:

Garbo said...

I hate it that you did everything right and the tumor didn't get smaller. When I was twelve my junior-high librarian told me that life wasn't fair and while I knew it was true, I'm still making myself believe it. Well, even in this unfair life, I believe in miracles (insert "you sexy thing" here if you wish) and maybe you or your doctor or a friend will see an obscure medical reference which will lead to a complete recovery. That's what I'm focusing on for you.

Anonymous said...

Oh great, now we have to hear the tiresome stories of you and SRH having adult relations all over the house now that the tumore is frozen in time (or size). My Lord, just get it over with and leave out the details!

ZZ

SRH said...

ZZ, if only that were the case...

Thea said...

Dude, you a little sneaky...

That just down right sucks about Keith refusing to dissipate. Stupid Keith...

Word.

SRH said...

Hey, wait a second. No where in that story does it talk about a "dashing prince standing dutifully at your side." What's up with that?

lsig said...

Um, it's not bigger? (Grasping...grasping...aaaaand, completely missing the straws).

That just sucks. Still, good vibes being sent your way for a full return to normal ops.

Karen said...

wait. you ate prime rib for four days straight? damn woman, that's a lot of prime rib.

and i'm with ZZ on the sex stories.

i really wish they'd take the damn thing out. then i'd stop feeling worried about it. not that i want you to have to deal with recovering from surgery. but still.

Brenda said...

That stinks!!!! So, if it not made worse by hormones does that make it an unusual FNH?

Well yipee on the possible baby-making go ahead.

allrileyedup said...

In case you haven't seen this--
Here is a video clip of what
Keith Richards is doing inside of you.

allrileyedup said...

Don't know why that didn't work, so here is the URL:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hv5oR-sv1tY

Zany Mama said...

garbo-
Ah, the whole "life isn't fair" truism. I hate that fucker. :)


zz-
Had to bring it all downtown didn't you, cancer girl?

srh-
Gah!

thea-
I am now trying to decide if psyching Keith out is the way to go. You know, maybe play nice and accept him - he won't know what to do with that, and then maybe he'll disapper.

(And by playing nice with Keith Richards, I suppose that means lots of sex, drugs, and rock and roll.)

srh-
See your above comment to zz. That's what's up with that.

lsig-
I'll take all the good vibes I can get - and truly, I did have an anxiety dream that it had gotten bigger, so it's good to be grateful for small things. Or at least not-getting-bigger things.

karen-
I feel like I should say here that the only reason I ate prime rib four days in a row was because we had it for Christmas dinner, and then there was all this meat left, and it was so expensive, and I didn't want it to go to waste and I have no control around steak and...

Anyway, it's not a typical occurence, but I have eaten more in younger days without ill effects.

brenda-
ix-nay on the aby-bay alk-tay! :)

riley-
That is EXACTLY what Keith Richards is doing inside of me! He gives a good guitar smack to my gallbladder and surrounding area, and then he just keeps on playing like nothing happened.

Stupid Keith Richards.

Lynn said...

Can't Keith be evicted from the premises?

L. Noelle said...

I want to leave some funny, witty comment but.....I didn't get enough answers! Does this mean you don't have gall bladder problems anymore and that it was this liver tumor all along? Does this mean that because it didn't shrink in 2 months that it will never shrink? Does this mean that this is absolutely nothing that can be done, and you'll have it forever? I just don't understand this! There is ALWAYS something that can be done, it's just a matter of finding out WhAT! Have you looked into any good Detoxing drinks/mixes to try and clean out the liver and gallbladder?

Go to:
www.mercola.com
look up liver and gall bladder...
I want you to have some solutions! Not just to have to live with a problem! There's always a way for the body to heal itself, it just needs the right help!

Zany Mama said...

lynn-
You know Keith Richards is the guys who's last to leave the party. And since he never has paid rent, it would be hard to evict him now.

Stupid Keith Richards.

noelle-
Good questions, all of them. I will try to answer the best I can:

The gallbladder is functioning better. I am able to eat some fat and have a quasi-normal diet. Therefore, they will not take it out.

(on the other hand, the doc did say that if they had to take out the liver tumor, they would take out the gallbladder at the same time.)

I think the 3 months of doing nothing was to see if the tumor would shrink - since it didn't, it apparently isn't affected by hormones. Thereby the doc surmises that it has probably been this size for some time - maybe it grew during my pregnancy but he thinks it's been relatively stable.

Since it's not growing, not causing chronic pain anymore, and I can eat relatively normally, they won't take it out.

I have been reading about some detox stuff - I figure I'd like to be maintaining optimal liver health in the times that there is not a flare. That seems like it's a good course of action. Thanks for the website - I'll definitely check it out.

belsum said...

You are an odd duck.