Monday, October 23, 2006

The Spa is Open!

I would like to make an announcement: The hot tub on my back porch is now officially open for the season. So if you have back pain, sore muscles, or just want to hang out – come on over! (This also counts for those of you who live out of state; however, I’m only offering a soak in the tub, not a place to stay.)

Perhaps you are wondering what it takes to make the tub “open for the season”.

Well, a few conditions must be met:

It must be The Season, i.e. it must be less than 60 degrees outside during the day for over two weeks. In other words, we must be into the fall. Because hanging out in a hot tub in the middle of July is just plain uncomfortable. There is nothing relaxing about lounging around sweating in hot water.

(Someone told me yesterday that they always put their kids in the hot tub with the temperature turned down during the summer. It becomes like a little pool. Hmmm, so that’s a fabulous idea that neither SRH nor I smurfed out before now. I will just say in our defense that Zane has only been with us for three years, and it took us five years of marriage to figure out that I will indeed have to throw away every piece of garbage that accumulates in our house. SRH simply isn’t up to it.)

Chemicals must be added. I imagine this is much like prepping a pool during the spring but a lot less work. Theoretically, one is supposed to “chemical up” the tub once a week. In the summer, we do it more like once a month. Today we caught ourselves – and the tub – up. There are enough chemicals in there right now to cause scaring of the lungs should one breathe in too deeply, but that should dissipate by tomorrow.

(Just to be sure, I will dip Zane’s toothbrush in the tub anon. If it melts, you’ll have to wait to come over for a few days.)

My house must be clean enough for me to allow company over.

And now perhaps you are wondering, Hey those jokers aren’t loaded, how come they have a hot tub?

And maybe you’re not wondering this, but if you grew up poor like I did, this is a legitimate question. The only people I knew who had hot tubs…well, actually hot tubs on the back deck weren’t big in the trailer park, so I didn’t know anyone until high school. But they were RICH.

The truth is that the hot tub came with the house. Well, not this hot tub. A really old one. One that was made out of wood and avocado green plastic and had about 3 jets. So, soon after we moved in, it was struck by lightening, and the homeowner’s insurance bought us a new one. Which was a somewhat lengthy process, because they kept trying to get the hot tub place to provide us with a comparable tub to the old one, which was impossible to do. There isn’t much of a market for vintage spas.

And now you may be thinking, This sounds too good to be true. There must be a catch.

No catch, I simply ask that you abide by two simple rules:

Rule One: Bring libations. It is a universal truth that a hot tub is way more fun if you bring wine or margaritas. I am not opposed to the occasional non-alcoholic drink (shout out to my peeps in rehab!), but it’s really preferable to bring something with a kick.

Rule Two: Know Yourself. If hot tubs make you and your partner feel frisky, please develop an appropriate “do it somewhere else” plan so that I can be assured that there are no heinous emissions happening in the tub. As a caveat, “somewhere else” does not mean on my deck, on my lawn, or in my house.

(Do you remember those signs that people used to hang by their pools that said, Don’t pee in my pool. I don’t swim in your toilet? As a child, I found that to be about the cleverest saying. Really. I thought it was witty, profound, and truthful. I guess my rule is similarly amusing: Don’t get naked in my hot tub. I don’t want you to.)

Anyway, we’ve got this free hot tub just waiting for folks to come over and use it.

And oh yeah, no peeing in the hot tub. I don’t swim in your toilet.


Anonymous said...

i realize that as an out-of-stater, i am allowed to use your hot tub, i am just not allowed to sleep in the house. would i be allowed to just sleep in the hot tub? or is there a time limit one can stay in this magical tub of hot? or, what if we just slept in our car and used the hot tub as a bath? i could bring my rubber duckey. I do not believe there is a rule about using the hot tub as a cleaning basin. Also, if i throw a big enough tantrum, you think you could help me out? you seem to have figured out the secrets of tantrums. -ksig

zingerzapper said...

okay, you referenced using the hot tub naked to do the nasty. Does this also mean that you don't want us naked in general? I don't think that is what you said. And since I hate bathing suit shopping and haven't bought a new one in over 12 years I think the birthday suit, which required no shopping and still fits, should work out just fine. Yee haa! Me, my birthday suit and some margaritas. Let the good times role!!

Zany Mama said...

You raise some good questions.

Accomodations are available to some via the garage, but I can't make a blanket statement to the blogaverse that all visitors can stay at Casa Del Zany Mama. The demand would far exceed the supply. It is simple Keynesian economics, that's all...

There are times when I fret that perhaps I've gone a bit too far on this blog, and "Don't do it in my hot tub" was one of those times. But then, you go and prove to me that I am a rank amatuer in the game of raunch and bad taste.

My hats off to you, good lady. My hats off.

Kristi said...

How about an "asexuals only" rule for the hottub? And then any worries of naughty activities would be null and void.

SRH said...

Sweet Googly Moogly, you got to keep the girls covered. There is not enough room in the hot-tub for everyone who wants to see a naked and drunk ZingerZapper. To steal from Zany Mama, again, demand would outstrip supply!

Zany Mama said...

Your point is valid, and my first response was going to be that I don't know any a-sexual people to invite to the tub. But then I went online and found that there is indeed a thriving community of said folks, so statistically speaking (although I couldn't find any statistics), I may indeed know some of them.

Therefore, in the spirit of inclusivity I will invite ALL of my friends of ANY sexual orientation to my hot tub - but the "no doing it" rule still stands.

Well,that's it then. You and ZingerZapper officially took this blog down town.

zingerzapper said...

Did someone mention the word strip? Are the spa rules changing? Is the spa becoming a den of sin? Oooh, I'm liking this party idea a little better every day. I say send the beautiful Zaney to Mimma's, break out the margarita glasses, set the girls free and asexuals, all sexuals get your party on! Just remember SRH and Zaney Mama, you started this conversation. I am just an innocent blogger commenting.

Zany Mama said...

You have never been the innocent in any situation.