The Poppies Are Merely For Decoration

I have recently come to believe that I have led a rather sheltered adult life. No one could argue that my childhood was rosy sweet, but something changed once I reached my twenties. SRH and I got married, found some couple friends, occasionally went to see a movie, and considered life good.

Oh sure, we have had our share of “couple friends” issues. You know the type: I really like Person A, but SRH hates Person B. Or SRH gets along well with person C, but Person D and I couldn’t have less in common. (I remember a particularly painful evening spent with a woman who had mean things to say about every other woman in the room.)

But these are minor issues. As we become increasingly parent-ified, we are more likely to have parent/couple friends, and commonalities become easier to find. We no longer seek “couple friends” in the way that we used to. Instead we are thrilled when we meet and click with new parent/couple friends – something which seems infinitely easier to do.

Me: Hey, didn’t I see you with your bossy kid at the paint store?

Generic Other Parent: Oh yeah, that’s right.

Me: Why don’t you come over for a play date?

GOP: That would be great.

(Volia! Friendship ensues.)

It’s been like this since Zane was born. Friends somehow come out of the wood work. I meet neat people at the park, at preschool, at the OT’s office (well maybe not there, but you get my drift), at the pediatrician, in the grocery store.

I am in the baffling position of actually liking more and more people. Strange, that.

But recently, one set of our most favorite parent/couple friends seems to be becoming… well…un-coupled.

And I am completely unprepared for this. SRH and I have lived in a bubble for the past 12 years where none of our married/committed friends have broken up. Truly – not one serious couple has decided to end their relationship.

Their partnerships might be train wrecks. We might think they’d be happier apart. We might even wonder how in the world they ever got together, but none of them have decided to call it quits.

And lest you forget, I worked with battered women for years. I am totally down with ending a relationship which is not good for you. I think that kids are happiest when their parents are happy – however that happens. I don’t believe that most people leave their relationships lightly, and I absolutely respect their right do so.

But this…this feels different somehow. This is a couple that we adore - both of them. They are both wonderful people who are completely devoted to their child. They are good, kind people who simply can’t figure out a way to stay together.

And that just doesn’t seem right.

It’s making me wake up from this shelter of the past decade and look at the complexity of love and relationships. It is no longer the simple: you love each other, you work hard at your relationship, you stay together. It is something more like: with love, hard work, and a fair bit of luck, you might end up together.

And truthfully, I have never been close to a break-up where one person can’t be painted as the villain (or at least more villain-like). I just don’t have a good handle on this one.

No villain. No blame. No answers. Just sadness.

And because you know that I can’t stay with sadness long, here are the three ways I have decided to deal with this – and all future - No-Fault Breakups:

1. Arbitrarily assign fault – I’ll flip a coin, spin a bottle, paper/rock/scissors – whatever. I’m assigning blame, and it doesn’t matter where it lands.
2. Ruthlessly mock SRH – This might seem nonsensical, but it sure makes me feel better.
3. Quit my job – Oh wait, I did that last week. Turns out, my friends didn’t reconcile, and my boss wouldn’t accept my resignation.

Any other ideas?