Just Once

I know. I know.

It’s been a week since my last post. I think this is the most blog-negligent I’ve ever been. But if it makes anyone feel any better, my Critical Inner Voice (hereafter referred to as CIV) has been hounding me about it.

I understand that CIV is not an acronym that is easily readable – it doesn’t roll of the brain’s tongue, so to speak – but though I was somewhat inspired to name it “Pat”, that’s my mother’s name, and I wasn’t so sure she’d appreciate that particular moniker.

So that all my have a view of my self-critique:

CIV: So, it’s been a whole week since you’ve posted. You’ve been neglectful before, but this is pretty bad, lady.

Me: I know, but I’ve had a hellacious few weeks. I’m doing my best here.

CIV: (singing softly) I gave my best, but I guess my best wasn’t good enough…

Me: Stop that, you. You know I’ve been under lots of pressure. I was out of town most of last week and…

CIV: And you didn’t bother to tell anybody did you? No. You. Didn’t. You left them hanging with a message that your best friend had breast cancer, a picture of your kid, and – what else? Oh wait. Nothing else. You left them with that.

Me: Well, I was hoping they’d infer that everything was okay, since I did put the picture of Zane up. You know, the message of that picture was, Things are hard right now, but I’m remembering that life is good.

CIV: They were supposed to get that from one crummy picture?

Me: Well, yeah. And plus, I didn’t have an internet connection at the conference I was at so I couldn’t post anything or respond to comments.

CIV: That might wash better, Petunia, if you’d told anybody you were leaving.

Me: Please, let’s don’t be dramatic. I don’t have a huge fan blogging fan base. I haven’t alienated millions.

CIV: So now you’re insulting the three people who ready you? Very nice.

Me: Okay. Fine. You win. I am a craptastic, un-committed blogger. There. I’ve said it. But you might be interested to know that I got some clarity around a few things this at my workshop this weekend.

CIV: Oh-ho. Big talker now, aren’t we? Well, what did you get “clarity” about?

Me: Well, several things actually. But you’ll be most interested to learn that I’ve determined that I’ve listened to you for far too long, actually. You’re holding me back.

CIV: Uh huh. So, we’re banishing the inner critic again? I see. Well, excuse me if I don’t rush to say goodbye. I won’t be waiting by the phone or anything, but I’ll put you back in my calendar in a few weeks.

Me: Maybe. But I’ve decided that you’re a useless self-indulgence. I’ve got places I’m going, and it doesn’t help anyone if I pretend I don’t deserve to get there. In fact, you might keep me from getting there. And I won’t have it.

I’m grabbing things/opportunities/relationships/goodness with both hands now. And a happy heart that says I deserve all of them. Okay, maybe I’m not doing that now, but soon. I mean it.

So begins the breakup I’ve been attempting for most of my adult life.