Monday, April 30, 2007

Just Once

I know. I know.

It’s been a week since my last post. I think this is the most blog-negligent I’ve ever been. But if it makes anyone feel any better, my Critical Inner Voice (hereafter referred to as CIV) has been hounding me about it.

I understand that CIV is not an acronym that is easily readable – it doesn’t roll of the brain’s tongue, so to speak – but though I was somewhat inspired to name it “Pat”, that’s my mother’s name, and I wasn’t so sure she’d appreciate that particular moniker.

So that all my have a view of my self-critique:

CIV: So, it’s been a whole week since you’ve posted. You’ve been neglectful before, but this is pretty bad, lady.

Me: I know, but I’ve had a hellacious few weeks. I’m doing my best here.

CIV: (singing softly) I gave my best, but I guess my best wasn’t good enough…

Me: Stop that, you. You know I’ve been under lots of pressure. I was out of town most of last week and…

CIV: And you didn’t bother to tell anybody did you? No. You. Didn’t. You left them hanging with a message that your best friend had breast cancer, a picture of your kid, and – what else? Oh wait. Nothing else. You left them with that.

Me: Well, I was hoping they’d infer that everything was okay, since I did put the picture of Zane up. You know, the message of that picture was, Things are hard right now, but I’m remembering that life is good.

CIV: They were supposed to get that from one crummy picture?

Me: Well, yeah. And plus, I didn’t have an internet connection at the conference I was at so I couldn’t post anything or respond to comments.

CIV: That might wash better, Petunia, if you’d told anybody you were leaving.

Me: Please, let’s don’t be dramatic. I don’t have a huge fan blogging fan base. I haven’t alienated millions.

CIV: So now you’re insulting the three people who ready you? Very nice.

Me: Okay. Fine. You win. I am a craptastic, un-committed blogger. There. I’ve said it. But you might be interested to know that I got some clarity around a few things this at my workshop this weekend.

CIV: Oh-ho. Big talker now, aren’t we? Well, what did you get “clarity” about?

Me: Well, several things actually. But you’ll be most interested to learn that I’ve determined that I’ve listened to you for far too long, actually. You’re holding me back.

CIV: Uh huh. So, we’re banishing the inner critic again? I see. Well, excuse me if I don’t rush to say goodbye. I won’t be waiting by the phone or anything, but I’ll put you back in my calendar in a few weeks.

Me: Maybe. But I’ve decided that you’re a useless self-indulgence. I’ve got places I’m going, and it doesn’t help anyone if I pretend I don’t deserve to get there. In fact, you might keep me from getting there. And I won’t have it.

I’m grabbing things/opportunities/relationships/goodness with both hands now. And a happy heart that says I deserve all of them. Okay, maybe I’m not doing that now, but soon. I mean it.

So begins the breakup I’ve been attempting for most of my adult life.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

So the fog wasn't so thick you couldn't hear and feel it that it was true, huh? Yeah, and I love you.

zulhai said...

I don't want to engage in "splitting" behaviour, but IMHO CIV is a little TOO C!
Besides, we get all the news from SRH's blog.
Glad to hear about the positivity.

SRH said...

Wow, CIV isn't CIVil at all. Get it? CIV --> CIVil. Man, I crack myself up.

Former Mom said...

So you were thinking of naming your CIV Pat, were you?

Cross you off the birthday list!

Nadolny said...

Warning - Nothign to do with your post

I saw your sons artwork at the school. I was shocked, shocked I say, to see that it involved a train.

:)

Lynn said...

...

You go, girl!!!
Yay, you, Zany Mama!!!

If she tries to butt back in, listen down this way. You'll hear me cheering for you all the way down here in Florida.

If that doesn't work -- I use the Brain Jam. It is a specially patented top-secret piece of work.

Not really.

It's only Black Sabbath, but it works like a charm. (My mom is a religiously insane zealot, what can I tell ya?)

{{{{{{{{Zany Mama}}}}}}}}

...

Zany Mama said...

zingerzapper-
Much love to you, too.(But it's only because you have cancer that I'm willing to admit it.)

zulhai-
Oooh, you're a splitter. We had those a lot at the shelter I worked at. I totally know what to do with you...

srh-
Yes, you crack yourself up.

mom-
After years of this threat, I'm not overly concerned. You know what would really get me? If you got me gardening tools for my birthday. I'd totally hate that.

nadolny-
My child is nothing if not consistent.

lynn-
So SRH had to explain to me that those brackets meant that you were giving me hugs.

I will never understand this here internet.

But thanks.

lsig said...

Much luck on the quest for positivity.

Karen said...

look at it this way: by not posting you did me a favor because then i didn't have to read pages and pages of your posts just to catch up on what you had to say while i was away.

let me know how it goes with breaking up with the CIV. also? if you have any tricks on how to do this effectively feel free to share.

love you. :)

belsum said...

You seriously don't need to feel bad about being a slack blogger. You're always WAY more on top of it than I am!

Sue said...

Adding humor to my day as always. :) Glad you're back.

:)

Sue said...

I tagged you!!! Maybe it will help with your blogging slow-down. ;)

rb said...

Hey, you can't call "CIV" "Pat." Don't you remember you called Patience "Pat"? I don't know when that blog was, but you sure did.

Thea said...

I tagged you, too! Mwahahaha!

That sounded way more evil in my head.

Zany Mama said...

lsig-
I could use some luck.

karen-
my major trick is a late night conversation with zingerzapper where she told me to get over myself with this whole self-doubt thing.

Kind of lick a splash of cold water, that. Bracing but good.

belsum-
blogging is like a continuum. There will always be bloggers that are more on top of it than me and bloggers who aren't. I do, however, strike myself as a somewhat uncommitted blogger.

sue-
Thanks for the tag - I've got one more in the queue ahead of you, but I'm on it!

rb-
Quiet, you. :)

thea-
It's okay. I think you do the whole evil look/evil laugh thing quite well!

allrileyedup said...

How typical. Our inner critics hit us up at the same time.