Thursday, March 29, 2007

A Virtuous Letter

A Picture of My "Happy Place"

Dear Patience,

I know you haven’t been hanging around here much lately, but I’m asking for you to spend some time with me tonight.

I know. I know. You come around every single morning when I’m trying to get Zane ready for preschool, and you were stellar with the whole potty training thing. And to be fair, you’re also a pretty consistent visitor whenever SRH’s parents make their way up here from Alabama.

But really, they only visit a few times a year, so it’s not like you’re working that hard.

Okay. I’m sorry. That’s not true. You’re around a lot. You’re here way more often than kindness or cleanliness. You’ve bailed me out more than a few times recently when lack of nutrients made me homicidal, and yes, it was you who gave me the brilliant idea of family movie night when I just couldn’t face one more bath time.

All true.

So why am I asking again for you virtuous presence this evening?

Because I have a dinner tonight with work colleagues, dear Patience, and I may poke someone in the eye with a fork if you don’t join me.

Yes, I am well aware that you are stretched to your limits by any and all fraternizing with academics, but this is part of my job and you simply must come along to keep me sane – and employed.

Plus Pat – can I call you Pat?- you should remember that you actually do like some academics, just none in this particular group.

Remember that time when they – the folks we’ll be dining with this evening - called everyone in my job class “flunkies”? Yeah, that was awesome. And you were expert when you helped me keep my cool as I explained that this attitude toward folks who aren’t faculty might be hindering their recruitment efforts. See, I patiently explained as you held my hand, flunkies don’t like being told that they’re flunkies. They prefer that we actually pretend that they’re real people.

One of your finest moments, Pat. Truly.

So here’s what I need from you tonight:

Please help me refrain from curling my lip when they start to talk about how incompetent every other person in the whole universe is including their secretaries, students, and fellow female academics.

Please curb my nostril flare when they talk about husbands, vacations, and kids who winter in Aspen.

Please keep me from screaming “Not everyone at this table is straight!” when they pretend not to notice that such talk of husbands et al. completely excludes the one lesbian at the table.

Please allow me to handle with graceful aplomb the way they will ignore me throughout the entire meal unless it’s to express disapproval that more people from my university aren’t attending their conference tomorrow.

I know it’s a lot to ask, but if you can do this, I will be forever grateful. And maybe I’ll take you out for dessert afterwards. You’ll certainly deserve it.

Thanks in advance,

Zany Mama

10 comments:

Thea said...

In through the nose, out through the mouth. I think I still have those handouts from Mom's group last year when you talked about relaxation techniques. Shall I dig them up?

Oh yeah, and I'm going away this weekend. Neener, neener, neener.

Boy, that looks weird typed out. Sounds much better when sung.

zulhai said...

As a fellow Flunkie (School Nurse) I can relate. Of course, the attitude changes somewhat whenever an Educator gets a boil on their buttocks, or whatever.
Actually, things have also started to change ever since I was mandated a couple of years ago to be on certain comittees.
Duh.
Education may a difficult job, but it's an easy Major.

Anonymous said...

Your post gave me a much needed chuckle this morning. Just thought I'd let you know that. I've had a horrible week and I don't see it getting any easier in the next few. I may need to write a letter to patience too. The patience to not rip my ex's eyes out. I also need to write a letter to strength to get though all the packing and digging through memories.

Hope your dinner wasn't as bad as you thought it might be. I've found it better in those situations to smile and nod and when you leave scream at the top of your lungs for as long as you want.

Tree Monkey

Sue said...

Ok - I posted here yesterday and it's gone? Wierd. Anyway, I hope you got through your night with the coworkers.

:)

Zany Mama said...

thea-
The debacle of my mom's group presentation was actually one of the reasons I started writng this blog - I figured that lunacy like that should be recorded. (Truly, that was the subject of my third post ever.)

I hope you have an interesting time this weekend. (Get it? I said interesting. Which is neither positive nor negative. Except that it's kind of negative because I definitely didn't say something positive. But it's not negative enough that it's something you could call me on. I'm a genius.)

zulhai-
The world of higher education is just so interesting. While the women I dined with look down on me because I'm not a faculty member, the folks where I work would look down on them because they aren't employed by a research 1 university.

Everybody wants to feel better than somebody, I guess.

Tree monkey-
Dinner was fine.

Exes suck.

sue-
And here I actually had the thought recently, "Hey, that free blog service I use hasn't been messing up lately."

That's what you get for having a positive thought.

allrileyedup said...

I don't know, you're asking quite a bit of Pat. I think you should make up a philospher or world leader, bring him up via "I just heard a segment about him on NPR" and see who claims to know who he is.

Bon said...

that was a great post...i'm laughing and laughing and hoping you'll send Patience my way (preferably along with Cleanliness, if you can track her down too) just as soon as she's done at your place!

Christine said...

This post is great! I've been by here a bunch, but havne't often commented. It was good to have you visit today! Hope I see you soon and that Pat was good to you!

Zany Mama said...

riley-
That's hilarious and a great plan - except it means I would have had to talk to them.

I take refuge in silence. It is my only weapon.

bon-
If I ever happen to see Cleanliness again, I promise I will send her over. Though the forecast for that particular virtue is grim.

christine-
Thanks! I tend to do a lot more reading/lurking than commenting myself. I feel you on that one.

Thanks for stopping by!

zingerzapper said...

I say spit on the back of people's heads as you walk by and act like it was an accidental sneeze. You know that sometimes a good sneeze is extremely wet. Hey, they don't like you anyway, you never have to participate in the committe and they already talk about you. What do you have to lose?