Sunday, July 02, 2006

Say You, Say Me

Some of you may be aware that I am a HUGE Lionel Richie fan. Well, maybe HUGE is a bit of an overstatement – I am not a member of the Lionel Ritchie fan club, I do not have all his trading cards, I’ve never been to a concert, and I don’t know the release date of his next – is there another one coming out? – album. And most importantly, I do not own any of his toenail clippings that I bought from a guy in 1984 who swore they belonged to Lionel. Okay, so perhaps I am not a HUGE fan, but I am a long-time fan.

Beginning with his time in the Commodores (he totally made that group) and right up through the pinnacle of his solo success, which may actually have been that weird “Hello” video where the blind woman makes a freaky sculpture of Lionel as he sings to her from around the corner, I have been able to sing along with every soul/pop/funk Lionel Richie ballad that ever broke the top 100.

My affinity for Lionel began with my mom’s housecleaning routine when I was in grade school. Mom would blast the Commodore’s Greatest Hits while cleaning, and we would both sing along with “Brick House” at the top of our lungs. Later, in college, my favorite song during step aerobics was, of course, “Brick House”. At least 35 of 52 Sundays during a year, I will hum “Easy Like Sunday Morning” for at least part of the morning. I was actually a little angry with Luther Vandross for releasing “Endless Love” with Mariah Carey – why mess with perfection? – and, I swear, I think that “Dancing on the Ceiling” is a catchy song.

So it is with less than surprise, that I began to notice that my life and Lionel’s life have interesting parallels. Forgive the pun, but I have noticed lately that Lionel and I are once, twice, three times a failure in certain areas of our lives.

Our Home Life

Lionel: Lionel was very famously beat down by his ex-wife, Brenda, when she caught him sneaking around with his future wife, Diane. He then married the woman-who-was-just-a-friend-when-my-wife
-found-us-together, Diane, and she asked for a bunch of money when she left him about ten years later.

Me: I lost the futon fight. SRH has wanted to get a futon for about forever, and we figured it would make our third bedroom look a little more useable, so I finally caved. We bought one today. It’s from Norka Futon, and it’s actually pretty whiz bang, but I do think this indicates a troubling power imbalance in our relationship: SRH wants a futon. SRH gets a futon. All I get is to pick which particular futon, the color, the fabric, and then watch SRH assemble it.

Our Children’s Health

Lionel: I don’t think I need to tell you about all the speculation around Nicole Richie and her ever-diminishing frame (anorexia). Apparently, she has recently sought help, which is great. I’m sure that Lionel was part of that.

Me: Zane’s face rash will NOT go away. I am treating it with both yeast and eczema medications, but the stubborn bumps will not go. Rash – 1. Zany Mama – 0.

Our Sales

Lionel: Facing decreasing sales and a beat down by his wife in the late eighties, Lionel decided to take some time off. Since he came back into the public eye in 1992, his record sales have been less than impressive.

Me: After almost 2 months on the market, my house still hasn’t sold. To add insult to injury, Stupid Neighbor’s house went into contract this week. This house on the market thing is getting old fast. I can totally see why Lionel dropped out of the selling things (records) business and just went to live on a yacht somewhere.

So, yeah, Lionel and I are both 3 for 3. The similarities are eerie, huh?


zingerzapper said...

I think with enough HGTV we all begin to think of new ideas to make our homes more visually appealing. Scott, finally got his new futon (which I doubt he will lose) and you could prop your NEW yoga mat in the corner so buyers can see how the room will help them become more centered. Maybe have some chanting playing during the viewing and it'll sell within a week. Oh, thank God for HGTV.

lsig said...

You and Lionel are practically psychic twins. It's almost creepy.

Zany Mama said...

zinger zapper -
It's true - we are all home decorating experts with the help of HGTV. Why just the other day, I was watching "Decorating Cents" aka "I Make New Crap From Old Crap", and I thought, hey why haven't I made a welcoming wreath for my front door out of expired coupons? I bet once I get that bad boy made the house will fly off the market.

I knew you would totally feel me on this one.