Monday, July 31, 2006

Fine, I'll Blog About It

Since several of the folks who read my blog also read SRH's blog, I thought I’d say something about the huge disparity in the content of our posts today. Now, don’t get me wrong, most days our blogs are nothing alike. We could be two strangers discussing barely parallel lives. You might never guess that we’ve been married almost nine years and share the wrangling of a little boy. But today in marked contrast to each other, SRH was all I’m worried about the health of my child, and I was all I’m a lot like Lionel Richie and Zane’s a materialistic troll of a child.

Which is fine – we’re our own people. We try to do our own thing. But I couldn’t help but wonder if some folks weren’t speculating on my level of denial and/or my maternal feelings – or lack of said feelings. To them, I offer this explanation: I wrote today’s post last night, and blogger was being wonky so I couldn’t publish it. Therefore, I hadn’t been to Zane’s doctor visit when I wrote it, and I decided to go ahead and publish it today.

For those of you, who don’t happen to read SRH’s blog, let me bring you up to speed on the doctor visit today.

It was a typical 3 year old well visit – height/weight, how’s he eating, how’s he sleeping type of visit. No shots, thank goodness.

But there were three things that bothered me about today’s visit:

Thing 1
Dr. M made the statement, You know, Zane’s on a massive amount of medicines right now. If there is anything we can do to keep him off oral steroids, even if that means increasing the inhaled steroids for a short amount of time, then we need to do that.

You know what? I know that Zane is on a lot of medication. After all, I’m the one who gives it to him everyday. And while my family lives with this fact daily, it is jarring to hear that your child on a massive amount of medication. It’s disheartening, and it’s somewhat scary.

Thing 2
Zane measured in the 40th percentile for height and the 25th for weight. Not too bad. He hasn’t lost a whole lot of ground since his last well visit. What’s bothersome is the fact that at one year old he was in the 70th percentile for height and the 50th for weight. He’s been pretty steadily declining since then.

And don’t get me wrong – I know that the massive amounts of medication he is on are growth inhibiting. I also know that once he’s off the medication – I can’t imagine when that will be! – he will catch up on the ground that he has lost, or so they say. But there is a piece of my mama heart that just aches and feels a whole lot of guilt about stopping nursing at 15 months. After all, his numbers were up there when he was nursing. But of course, he also wasn’t on all these medicines, but you can see where a mama could torture herself with doubts and insecurities.

Thing 3
Dr. M heard Zane’s heart murmur again today. He heard it for the first time last year and was quite unconcerned. He just said we’d check it again this year, but this year he took a little more time and decided that we need to take Zane to see a cardiologist.

Here’s the thing, I completely believe and trust the doctor when he says that the murmur is probably nothing at all, and we’re just getting confirmation that it’s nothing to worry about. After all, I have a heart murmur, and it has never given me even a minute of trouble.

Here are the other things that are floating around in my mama heart and head about it, though: My father has congestive heart failure. His brother died on a waiting list for a heart transplant. His sister died of some heart/kidney failure thing. His father died after his second heart attack, and his mother died when her heart gave out while she was sleeping one night. That’s quite a family history of heart problems.

It’s that family history that is making me fearful, even when I have been reassured by the doctor that Zane is probably completely okay.

So, I left the doctor’s visit today feeling pretty overwhelmed. Well, overwhelmed and scared, but I’m trying not to borrow trouble by worrying about something that I don’t have all the information about right now. We’ll see the cardiologist – not sure when - and take it from there.

But it’s on my mind. Every second, pretty much.


Anonymous said...

You are AMAZING parents (and I don't type in caps unless I really mean it.) Huge props to you for going those 15 months without food to nurse your baby---most people would have given it up much sooner. I saw that struggle and although it won't help, you did an amazing job--no guilty feelings needed here. Sure you could be nursing him now--but how do you suppose you could do that--he would scoot away from you on the mobile potty chair. You do know that all kids lose weight when they stop nursing and start being mobile? They usually settle into "their normal". Zane looks amazing---and I should know, I definitely saw him today! I know all this sucks but he is a lucky little guy to have such informed and dedicated parents!

Dustin said...

I regularly compare yours and SRH's blog on a daily basis and then decide who is a better person...NOT. Anyone who ever made the mistake of thinking either you or SRH were even remotely un-committed parents would have to be smoking more crack than gets sold out of my apartment building in a year...and trust me...thats a lot of crack.

Mom said...

The heart murmur is nothing. Get the cardiologist checkup as scheduled, but in the meantime put it out of your mind. He's fine.

Yes, he's losing ground on the % scales, but he's definitely doing fine on his own scale. He's growing, he's happy, he's energetic, he's bossy and you couldn't find a better Zane anywhere!

I know it's normal to worry as a good parent, but try to give it up as much as you can. It spoils the day for nothing.

SRH said...

Dustin, she wins most of the time, doesn't she?

Zany Mama said...

Thanks for the love. It's just what I needed to hear., he went poo poo on the potty - and it didn't even freak him out! Apparently, being nude around a houseful of people for a few hours will cure you of your inhibitions.

Thanks for the props. This parenting thing ain't for sissies - or crackheads in your apartment building.

You talk big, lady, but you know you're worried too.

It's not fair to put Dustin in the position where he has to admit that he clearly likes me better. Let's leave the choosing of sides thing until we see each other in divorce court. :)

SRH said...


Anonymous said...

Divorce Court? Am I to be offered a thin hope for my own future?

Seriously, though, I have to tell you (and SRH too since I know he'll see this), around our office I get to hear a lot of "my child" stories, and those coming from your "husband" are truly the most akin to what parents should be saying, according to my television-raised expectations. If you insist on staying with SRH until your child reaches his maturity, perhaps you two will consider adopting me?

lsig said...

Wait, wait- divorce court? Do you have a time estimate on this? There may be a steak dinner riding on it...

Zany Mama said...

Anon and lsig-
How interesting that you both chose to de-lurk at the mention of a divorce. I'm not really sure what that means, but I thought I'd just make sure to note it.

Anytime you want to come stay at our house, you are certainly welcome to. As long as your adoption doesn't involve any potty training or the administration of breathing treatments, I'll call myself a lucky parent.

I would like to accuse you of being a heartless vulture who is circling around the remains of my marriage, but since the marriage is good (and I have a similar wager with you about another couple), I'll just have to settle for promising you that I will stay in this marriage until you lose the bet.

belsum said...

15 months?! Wow. I barely made it 4 and a half. Then again, the boy couldn't even latch on to a bottle when he was born, much less a boobie.

Zany Mama said...

Belsum -
Thanks for the perspective. It made me remember that Zane was like a (insert expletive here)hoover vaccuum cleaner on the boobie for the first several months, and once his teeth started coming in, nursing just became one big picnic.