Sunday, April 30, 2006

Tis The Season

(Please sing to tune of Deck the Halls)

In the aisles of Giant Eagle
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Came the precious to my Smeagol
Fa la la la la, la la la la

T’was the fruit of red and green
Fa la la la la, la la la la
And to eat it I was keen
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Oh come here, sweet watermelon
Fa la la la la, la la la la
MUST EAT IT NOW, I felt like yellin’
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Seed or Seedless, Big or Small
Fa la la la la la la la la
Let’s buy 10, I’ll eat them all
Fa la la la la, la la la la

It was a GREAT day at the grocery store today. As you might have guessed by the above ditty – or rip-off of a ditty, as it were – watermelon season has come to central Ohio, and I am most happy about this.

There are exactly three things that I will eat with wild, reckless, abdominal pain-inducing abandon. Watermelon is one of those things. And I don’t mean that I will eat more than the typical person will eat. Apparently the average American will only eat about 2 pounds of watermelon a year. Go figure.

I mean I will eat my body weight in watermelon before the summer is over. I can’t help myself. The stuff is like crack to me. SRH actually backs away slowly as I gleefully get out the melon baller and dig into the biggest melon that the store will sell me.

I’m actually a little thankful that neither SRH nor Zane have any interest in this Egyptian fruit of the gods. I’m not sure I’m up to sharing, even with my beloveds.

Which begs the question – Zaney Mama, what are the other two foods that you will make yourself a fool over? Thanks for asking.

The next food on my list is cherries. Well, Bing Cherries to be exact. In a pinch, near the end of the season, I will buy some of the Lambert or Rainier cherries if need be. While no one can argue with the wholesome deliciousness of cherries, there is also a sentimental reason that I so adore these burgundy-purple pieces of heaven. I used to eat them with my grandpa. Every summer when I came to Ohio to visit, he would have cherries for me as a special treat. Due to their overwhelming delectability and fond memories, I will eat enough cherries at one sitting to get heartburn. Really, that happens. You can eat enough cherries to actually get heartburn from them. I do it 5-6 times a summer.

The final food that leaves me spiraling away from good sense is steak. I will eat any kind of steak at any time of the day. It can be cheap steak. It can be expensive steak. It can be from a restaurant. It can be from home. I just love a piece of well-prepared red meat. Actually, it doesn’t have to be that well-prepared. I have few standards when it comes to steak.

I can eat more steak that SRH, who happens to be a foot taller than me and outweighs me by about 100 pounds. And SRH doesn’t just “gimme” these steak-eating victories. He tries to out eat me and can’t. I have even beaten SRH’s dad at a steak eating contest – and I made him take me to Dairy Queen afterwards.

SRH’s theory is that I grow an extra stomach when steak is around. I don’t know what happens. I just know that I can always have another bite of steak. In his defense, SRH’s food superpower is Speed Eating. I have gone to the kitchen to get a napkin and returned to find SRH licking his plate and asking for seconds.

Which then leads to the question of which inappropriate food habit will Zane get from his parents? Will he be into 2-3 foods to the detriment of good sense and decorum or will he be Speedy McEaty? Poor, doomed kid.


Mom said...

As your mother I will testify to you food preferences. You might also mention that sausage links used to be on the list until the time you ate 14 (or was it 15) at one sitting. Scott & I sat in awe and probably weren't real sympathic at the aftereffects. It was enough to cure you from sausage link gluttony!

zingerzapper said...

I think you will be doomed with a child that is a vegan (ie, no steak or DQ) and hates Vanilla Bean cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory. That is what you get for shaking your fist at the food Gods, you , you, gluttons.

Zany Mama said...

mom -
I have to admit that I still don't understand the exact mechanism by which 14-15 sausage links will make the stomach ache like you've been punched really hard - which makes me want to do it again just to prove to myself that it was a fluke the first time. Probably not a good idea.

zingerzapper -
No child of mine will turn his back on Dairy Queen...