Monday, September 04, 2006

Never, Never, Never

Yesterday, I woke up to a family of cranky, cranky people. SRH and Zane were both in ferociously bad moods – SRH was extra snarky (which can be kind of funny) and Zane was whiny and willful (my favorite combination). So I did the only thing a smart mama can do, I just stayed really quiet and made my escape as soon as possible. (I ran an errand sans family around 4:30pm). It was a long day.

Evidence of SRH’s crankiness: while putting Zane in his car seat, I heard SRH say, From here until eternity, Zane, the answer will be NO.

I think he said it facetiously.

But it got me thinking, From here until eternity, what would I say NO to?

To simplify: What would I never do?

This is a hard one because I tend to believe that one should never say never. Who knows where life circumstances will lead you? I mean, Lionel Richie probably never believed that he would get the beat down from his wife. Whitney Houston thought that crack was whack. Life tricks us sometimes, and it seems foolish to say that we would never do something. So while there are things that I can easily say that I will never do – for example, drink my own sweat or wear orange spandex – there could be situations where both might become necessary.

But it got me thinking about things that I can’t imagine that I would do. Things I cannot invent a scenario in my head which would lead to my engaging in them.

I came up with three.

1. Put up an Easter tree.

This has long been the gold standard at my house of exemplifying an excess of disposable income. We say things like, Yea, we’ll buy that lear jet right after we buy the Easter Tree. Meaning never. I just honestly don’t get them. Why hang plastic eggs on a tree? What does that have to do with Jesus?

If I ever have too much disposable income, then I will definitely make yard ghosts out of 800-thread count sheets at Halloween, eat Turducken at Thanksgiving, cover my whole house in red rose petals on Valentines Day, send to Ireland for a customized batch of green beer on St. Patrick’s Day, and buy a fireworks store for the 4th of July. What I will NOT do is put up an Easter Tree.

2. Drink pink lemonade.

Again, something inexplicable about this one to me. Lemons are not pink, and powdered concentrate of lemons is not pink.

Of course, I would rather have fresh lemonade, but I’ll drink the mix stuff if need be. But pink “lemonade” just pushes me too far. I don’t like the taste – barely lemony – and the cotton candy coloring just offends my senses. Sweet is pink. Sour is yellow. I know you’re probably thinking, But the mythical pink lemon tree creates splendiferous juice.

I respectfully disagree.

3. Sky-Diving.

This is a thrill-seeking activity that will never be in my repertoire. To be sure, if the plane is burning, I’m grabbing a parachute and jumping. But that’s not risk-taking. That’s survival.

I am not, by nature, a thrill seeking person – as evidenced by the fact that I’ve never gone mountain climbing or bungee jumped. I don’t ride motorcycles. I don’t use illicit drugs. I hate stand-up roller coasters, and camping in a tent takes me out of my comfort zone. I’m averse to spicy foods, and I don’t even drink caffeine most days.

(Lest you begin to believe that I’m boring, I should add: I do like regular roller coasters, I go hiking with cougars, and camping in a cabin is just fine by me.)

So there you have it. Three things I think I will never do.

What’s on your “not from here until eternity” list?


zingerzapper said...

I say bring on the plane and I'll jump. I'm game to ride a roller coaster, standing up and backwards, what fun! What I won't do is...hmmm. gotta think about this...I agree with bungee jumping. Not a lot of room for error. I can't think of much else. Now that I have the littles I may have to wait to sky dive until he's old enough to survive on his own. Damn kids. They just take away all of the fun.

Anonymous said...

I will never get a Brazilian bikini wax--is an explanation for that necessary?

I will never say horrible bad parenting things to my children---whoops, never mind, I did that this morning.

I will never stop removing chin hair--If I am unable to complete that task, I have good friends (you know who you are) that will do that for me RIGHT??

I will never crawl through tunnels as an occupation--to escape a fire or other catastrophe okay--but to do so willingly--nope.

I'm sure I have a lot more----

Zany Mama said...

I think you are quite clearly my most adventurous friend, but I'm glad you see that going bungeeing jumping is not the course for a rational person.

From what I hear, kids never really survive on their own. They always need more from their parents. My mom just paid my admission into an arts festival this weekend. It never ends.


To address in order:

Brazilian bikinin waxes are for sicko masochists. (and I mean that in the most non-judgmental way possible).

At least you don't bite each other's crotches in your family. That will scar you way longer than an offhand comment.

I got your back on the chin hair. That's a reciprocal deal-io right?

Tunnels. I didn't know. Maybe re-birthing therapy could help you with that. I'm sure there's a nutty social work professor at OSU who could take you through that process.

Happy Birthday!

SRH said...

Letting Little Man gouge out the impact foam on his car seat, that is what I would say "No" to "from here until eternity." He can be such a destructive wee little beastie.

jw said...

Jello wrestling is a definite no-go.
I will never ride any rides constructed at the Ohio State Fair.
And finally, I will NEVER willingly consume mayonnaise, or miracle whip (what's the difference? They're equally repugnant)
I'm sure I'll catch Hell over that one.

peefer said...

To preserve my last remaining ort of sanity, I will never have another child.

Zany Mama said...

Amazingly destructive for being so "wee".

I could go for something jello. (I couldn't resist. I'm a slogan woman).

But the mayonnaise thing completely surprises me. I, myself, am very clear on the use of mayonnaise (turkey sandwich) vs. the use or miracle whip (tuna salad). I don't want to be too forward, but do you think talking to a therapist about your unnatural aversion to mayo woudl help?

Those, my friend, sound like famous last words.