And though this might sound a bit harsh, he’s actually just commenting that I have so much going on in my head at any given moment, he’s not sure how I function through all the chatter. And truthfully, neither am I.
And it’s been a particularly high-chatter time in the old noggin recently. I attribute this to the pregnancy and the whole working-for-myself transition, but the origin of it really doesn’t matter.
Anyway, I thought I’d try to blog about it so that other people can share my hell. Lucky blog reader.
At any given morning these days, here’s the conversation in my head:
Me: Okay, so what needs to get done today?
Baby in the Belly: Uh…I don’t know what your plans are, but you better start off whatever you’re doing with some protein. I’m trying to grow some gray matter here.
Keith Richards (my errant, but benign, liver tumor): Not so fast there, you saucy wench. I’m still in effect down here on your right side. I haven’t been getting much air time now that the princess is on the way, but I’m still here and you don’t want me to… (unidentifiable garbling)
Me: Are you threatening me, Keith? Because I’m pretty good to you. I haven’t eaten 14 sausages in a row for years and I have drastically reduced my consumption of red meat - all to give you more room.
Baby in Belly: Can I have some shrimp?
Keith: She doesn’t even like seafood, bambino. Now eat some melba toast and shut it.
Exhaustion (a ubiquitous new player on to the scene): Well, if we don’t get something to eat soon, I’m going to have to insist we go back to bed.
Me: What? No! We’ve only been up 15 minutes! Okay, let me think. What is protein-rich, low fat, won’t expand my stomach too much – see, I’m taking care of you Keith – and can be fixed in the next two minutes?
Baby in Belly: What about taking care of me? I’m your long-awaited, much anticipated second child. You went through Clomid to get me lady. Don’t mess it up now. FEED ME.
Keith: Baby, you weigh, what, a pound and a half? You’ve only been bigger than me for the past month. I was here before you and I’ll be around after because – unlike the party planned for you on or near June 18 - there aren’t any plans to evacuate me from her body.
Me: Shhhhhhh…both of you…I’m trying to think.
Looming Project A: I don’t have much to say about breakfast, but I should remind you that you have some outstanding emails to attend to. And I don’t have to tell you that this is a big project, and you’re new to the team. And you did quit your job to do exactly this.
Baby: HUNGRY!!!!
Looming Project A: And you really should take on some of that “to do” list you wrote out last Friday. It was over page long – all stuff that you’re paid to do.
Keith: Speaking of pay, I did mention that that’s what I’ll make you do should you decide to break your fast on oatmeal or somesuch, didn’t I?
Me: Oatmeal? Keith, oatmeal is low fat and fiber rich. It’s good for me – and you and the baby. We all win.
Keith: Yes, but it takes up an uncomfortable amount of room in your stomach while it’s digesting. All in all, I’m not a big fan of the oatmeal these days.
Baby: And oatmeal doesn’t have much protein. I’m totally down with protein – and I mean the animal- meat kind of protein - these days. I think it has something to do with the very important neural connections that I’m trying to develop this.very.second.
Me: Heading to the kitchen as we speak guys, hang in there.
Exhaustion: Ohhhh…I’m sorry. Not quick enough, Zany Mama. I’m going to have to dock you two hours this morning. Come on, let’s go lay down.
Me: Okay…okay. Let me just get some breakfast, get Zane to preschool, do a bit of work, talk to the contractor, and then….Crud. Then I’ll have to eat again. But I promise to meet you after lunch.
Exhaustion: Don’t worry. I’ll be here.
Keith: As will I!
Baby: Me, too!
Looming Project A: I’ll just sit quietly over here, but you know you’ll have terrible guilt and recrimination later if you avoid me.
Me: I hear all of you. Now leave me alone. I’m going to go eat a smoothie followed by a lean but nourishing slab of ham. There. Everybody happy?
Interesting. Several sources of this conversation reside in one small space - 24 weeks
Please note, the above exchange does not represent the views and voices of:
- Possible Exciting Project X
- Sciatica
- Old Job
- Upcoming Work Trip
- Kitchen/Bathroom/Office Remodel
- CRankiness Associated with Pregnancy (CRAP)
I will, no doubt, share some of their input at a later date.
